I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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