20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
