Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
