Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
