I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
