my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
