i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
