YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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