i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
