Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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