He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
