Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love having hate sex.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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