I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
