apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize