I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
