Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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