It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
