Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
