i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
