where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
