a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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