I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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