i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i drank out of a bidet.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
