There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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