i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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