last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
