I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
