all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
