maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
