adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
