We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
