He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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