Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
