I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
