I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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