I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
