The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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