you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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