U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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