he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
