Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
