Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
