ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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