Yo dont text me then not text me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Randomize
