the condom got lost in my hair
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
