when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
