I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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