I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
