The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
