I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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