Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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