Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
