you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
