I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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