Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
