Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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