Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I want a musical about memes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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