my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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