Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
