I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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