I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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