Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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