I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
