I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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