but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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