I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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