You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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