So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
