this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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